Fun With Telemarketers

 Posted by at 12:28 am  Nick's Blog
Apr 042019
 

We all hate them. Those annoying calls from someone that immediately launches into a spiel about the good news they have for you. They’re going to reduce your credit card debt, extend your car’s warranty, protect your investment in your house with pest control service, or whatever they are hustling. Most people just hang up when they get one of those calls, and I do, too, usually. But not always. Sometimes I’m bored and I need something to do, so I chat with them. Not because I’m interested in with they’re trying to sell me, but because I like screwing with their heads. And, I figure while I’m wasting their time, they’re not calling somebody else and bothering them.



A couple of years ago there was a scam going around where someone would call and say they are holding a loved one hostage and were going to kill them if you didn’t pay a ransom. I got one of those calls, telling me of that he was holding a gun to my son’s head and if I didn’t follow their instructions exactly to send them $10,000 they were going to shoot him. I told the caller to go ahead and do it, I never really liked him that much anyway. At first the guy seemed kind of incredulous, then he called me a heartless SOB before he hung up.

Now, just to set the record straight, after it was over with I did call my son Travis and explained the situation to him. I told him that it was nothing personal, but $10,000 was a lot of money. Being the good guy that he is, Travis understood and said he would do the same thing if he ever got such a call about me. Actually, if I recall correctly, he set his limit at ten bucks. Now that’s a heartless SOB!

Sometimes I will answer the phone and identify myself as Detective Adams and demand to know who they are and why are they calling a crime scene. If they start to hem and haw I tell them that this is an active murder investigation and I want to know their relation to the victim. Meanwhile, I say to some other person who really isn’t standing next to me, “Trace this call. Whoever it is, bring them in.”

If they are calling for a carpet cleaning service, I may ask them how good they are at getting blood out of a rug, and I add that I’m talking about an awful lot of blood. They seem to get rattled by that. Pest control companies can be fun, especially when I start describing the vermin that have infested my armpits and pubic hair since that drunken family reunion I went to in Toledo.



Did you know that if you ask a telemarketer what color panties she’s wearing, and then ask if she likes thongs or bikinis, they don’t want to talk to you anymore? When you add that you’re going commando and swinging in the breeze, they hang up. One told me that I was being obscene, but I corrected her and told her that she was the one that called me. My phone, my time, we’ll talk about what I want to talk about. That only seems fair, doesn’t it?

And finally, here’s another chuckle to start your day from the collection of funny signs we see in our travels and that our readers share with us.

It’s Thursday, so it’s time for a new Free Drawing. This week’s prize is an RV camping journal donated by Barbara House. Barbara makes several variations of these, and they all have pages where you can list the date, weather, where you traveled to and from that day, beginning and ending mileage, campground information including amenities at RV sites, a place for a campground rating, room to record activities, people met along the way, reminders of places to see and things to do the next time you’re in the area, and a page for notes for each day. To enter, click on this Free Drawing link or the tab at the top of this page and enter your name (first and last) in the comments section at the bottom of that page (not this one). Only one entry per person per drawing please, and you must enter with your real name. To prevent spam or multiple entries, the names of cartoon or movie characters are not allowed. The winner will be drawn Sunday evening.

Thought For The Day – I cooked dinner for her, ran her a bubble bath, and had candles and flowers on the table when she came home. Instead of being turned on, she called the cops. Meeting new people can be so difficult.

Nick Russell

World-Famous, New York Times Best Selling Author, and All-Around Nice Guy!

  2 Responses to “Fun With Telemarketers”

  1. My son loves to screw with the heads of annoying people so I could see him doing some of the stuff you do to telemarketers. A friends like to answer those calls with “Fraud department, how may I help you?” They hang up pretty fast! I’m having a rest from those annoying calls. The phone went out last Friday and Frontier won’t come fix it until the 16th. So quiet & peaceful, but I’m still pissed about Frontier’s lack of customer service.

  2. “The job is done. But clean-up is extra” (My daughter said in a serious voice this morning when a telemarketer called).

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